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Absolutely Incomprehensible British Gentleman


     "You know, I'm really glad you decided to join us, (Name)."

"Only because I know you'll need a ride home."

"HAHAHAHA! Dude, you know him so well!"

Arthur glares at America as he holds the door open for you. To get immediate revenge, he slips through the doors before America and thus resulting in the doors smacking the poor guy in the face.  Alfred laughs that off as he swings open the door, whacking England on the back. Arthur staggers forward then turns back to America, yelling,
"Watch it, you idiot!"

You look back at them and sigh, "You haven't even taken a sip of cider and you're already acting irresponsible."

"He started it," Alfred strolls past Arthur and stands by your side, scoping the pub.
The place is lively; filled with music and laughter. The bar glistens from just being wiped down for the nightly round of hoppers.  The tables are nearly all completely taken…And it was only 10:00 pm.

"It's gonna be a long night," you mumble. England casually takes a seat at the bar. You sit in between Alfred and Arthur, for the sake of your sanity.  The clatter of dishes rings from somewhere in the building.

"So guys, I was thinking we should have a contest to see who can hold the most-"

"Oh please, you already know that I've won that." England crosses his arms.

"Actually," you laugh nervously, "I'm not drinking tonight."

Alfred gasps, "Are you pregnant or something?!"

"No!" You groan. "Who's going to drive you two dummies home?"

"Oh yeah, I didn't think about that…"

"I've said that more than once, America. Please, try to listen better."

       America wasn't paying attention to your words. He was too busy trying to decide what he wanted. England is swiveling the bright red stool a little bit, anxious to get started. It isn't long before Joe, the Allies' favorite bartender, comes to you guys.

"Well look at who's back!" he laughs heartily, wiping his hands on his white apron.

"'Sup, Joe, my man?" America grins. Joe scratches his head.

"Nothing really, just playin' the sax more. You're lucky I'm here. I'd be playin' it now if I could be."

"Why don't you play here, Joe? I'm sure the boss wouldn't mind." Arthur suggests.

"You know how boss is; 'if it's got too much soul, then it's gotta go'."

      You all laugh. Joe's boss, Anthony, is really tight and anal, like he has a crab up his arse. Joe started saying that anything too fun was going to be taken away after the peanut fights were banned. Peanut fights: you simply take a bucket of peanuts and toss them around (or throw them at unsuspecting people). Of course America started that trend.

"You're right, Joe," America gasps for air. You look over your shoulder to see Mr.Anthony lurking in a corner before going into a back room.

"Back to my job," Joe wipes away a tear, "What'll it be tonight, groovy cats?"

"The usual for all of us," England says quickly. You begin to protest but Joe nods and says

"Alright, I'll do that. And guys…no more jokes about Anthony, he might've heard us."
You nod in unison with Alfred and Arthur.

"I wonder what France is doing right now," Alfred wonders aloud.

"Probably getting the farmer's daughter pregnant again." England chuckles at his own joke. You can tell that he's really going to have a really bad hangover.
The three of you converse about virtually nothing until the first round is set in front
of you.

"This round's on me," Joe's chocolate brown eyes have a mischievous glint to them.

"Sweet, dude! Thanks a butt load!"

"Yes, thank you."

       You don't say anything because you didn't want a drink in the first place. You look up at the clock.
It is 10:10 pm. You watch as England takes his first sip.

We'll be out of here in an hour, you think.


[Three glasses later...]

        "God save the queen," England mutters, "Do you know how long I've waited to get my Harry Potter cosplay?! I ordered it on E-bay: custom made and everything! And when it came-"he hiccups "it didn't fit right! The waist was too saggy…the same way that America wears his pants!"

America frowns. "I don't wear my pants saggy."
America was even wearing a belt tonight.

"You don't have a sense of etiquette, either! Bloody hell, you're hopeless, America!"
You sigh and swing your feet. Apparently sitting between them wouldn't stop their stupid arguments.

"I'm the Hero! I have a sense of etiquette."

"You would have one if you didn't leave me, America!" England bolts straight up and slams his fist on the counter.

"You just should have stayed with me! But nuh-uh! You had to prove to everyone that you could be so 'strong' on your own! Well, you aren't doing that well, bub!"


England continues, interrupting America. "No! You listen to me! I don't carrreeee who you think you arrrrre! I put so much bludy care into taking care of you and you…you declare INDEPENDENCE!? FOR WHAT?!"

"You kept making me pay to breathe, actually."

England hiccups again and waves a hand dismissively at America.
"It's called responsibility, ol' chap! Learn it, you half-minded bloody git!"
You look over at Joe. He's quietly snickering further down the counter while serving others.

"I raised you like any good person would do and you go and try to kill me!? Then you liberate your women by letting them wear pants?! Who do you think you arrrre?!" England slouches over the counter, looking into his glass. Then tips back, finishing it off.

"Oi! Joe! I want another!"


"Don't give him more!" You hiss at Joe. America swats away the glass.

"Seriously, he doesn't need anymore."

"Hey, Anthony says I'm not allowed to deny anyone a drink." Joe laughs, pouring more into the glass. You groan loudly, catching England's attention.

"What's wrong, love? You haven't touched a drop in that glass."

"I don't want it."


"Actually," you say lowly.

"Let her go, Britain," Alfred sighs, clearly annoyed.


So soon and his speech is already a mess.

"Joe, do not give him anymore...or I'll break your saxophone." You hiss.

     Joe walks away in utter joy, laughing as if he's never laughed before. England lets go of you and focuses on his drink.

"I really wish you could be cute like you used to be, America. Now you're just so…" his voice trails off. America takes another sip.

"Sure, Iggy,"
This sends Arthur over the edge.





Now America stands in frustration.

"Seriously, England, you need to calm down!"
England laughs and stands as well.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom. When I come back, yurh gonna regret everything yuh said to meh."

       The Englishman storms away to the restrooms. You exchange a look of disbelief with America.

"He probably went to go throw up." He scoffs. You can imagine that to be true.

The time is now 10:46 pm.

        You're looking at a TV mounted on the wall when England comes out of the men's restrooms.
You jump a mile high as he leans on you from behind and hugs your waist.

"'Ello, gov'nor," he whispers in your ear.

"You ready to go home yet?" you ask impatiently.  Alfred doesn't even look at Arthur, clearly still upset.

"It depends," England says seductively. You spin around in your chair only to find that he's run off again.

"ENGLAND!" you shout angrily. He's standing on top of the bar counter; a black apron is all that's covering up Big Ben. He wears white cuffs around his wrists and neck. Of course, he isn't wearing shoes.
Everyone stops and stares at him. England shamelessly flips his hair.

"You like?"

"No." You stand and grab his arm, urging him to come down. "Why are you wearing that?!"

"Oh don't lie, you like it." He pushes your arm away and giggles bashfully. Arthur sits down and his legs dangle from the edge and into your personal space. You push them away and he purrs.

America covers his face on the low, saying "I don't know him."

"Arthur, get down," Joe demands, not finding this funny anymore. England looks in Joe's direction.

"Oi! Get meh anotha glassh. I'm thrishty."

Joe doesn't seem to want to approach England however.

"No? Well I'm the bludy Untied* Kingduhm. I con get mah ownnnnn liqua!" England slides down from the counter and snatches a wine bottle up on the opposite side.

"England!" You shout and climb over the counter, feeling like you have to tame a rabid animal. Iggy swirls out of your reach and hiccups.

"Yuh con look, love, but cha con't touch~" he smirks and slaps his thigh. He raises his eyebrows and does a little sexy dance.

You growl, "Alfred-"

"I don't know him."


"Now you see why I wanted independence."
You look back only to find that the wild drunk has vanished.

A woman screams far off in the bar.

        You bolt in the direction. England swirls the wine bottle, arms wrapped around an innocent woman.

"Get off of me!"

"Yuh're on meh, love!"

You yank Iggy off of the woman. He purposely falls back on you, making you stumble into a table.

"Whadaya doin', (Name)? You wont meh for yerself?"

You push him off of you and stand straight.

"We're going home." You say. Arthur looks offended, as if you just said that he was French and not British (of course, the time America said that to offend him, things ended up in a few day's argument and bickering).

"Whai? I'm noht goin'…'ome!" he turns away. Your face heats up and you cover your eyes. His rosy red cheeks are showing.

"THIS IS INDECENT." Someone yells.

"Get him out of here!"

"Stupid Brit!"


Anthony comes out of the backroom looking very agitated, "What's all the noise?!"

        Before you can speak, Arthur darts past you to Mr. Anthony.

"I've been lookin' evraywhere for yeh!"

Mr. Anthony takes one look at England and turns the color of England's cheeks.

"What the hell-"

"WHUT THE BLUDY 'ELL IS RIGH! Whut kinda pub do yeh think you're runnin?!" Arthur points an unsteady finger in Joe's direction.

"Thot good man ova thair is an ace saxo-player. No, not 'Saxony', I said 'sax' yeh git! Joeh is a giftad 'nd intellihent yung mahn, 'nd he deserves betta thon to work ot yehr stupid, tasteless, unauthentic, despecabhel,  French-influhanced place yeh wanna call a 'pub'! YEH DON'T KNEWR THE 'IRST TH'NG 'BOUT RUNNIN' A PUB. YEH NEED TO TAKE DOWN TH' UNION JACK OUTSHIDE, 'CUSE TH'S PL'CE 'NT W'TH 'T."

        You stand completely still, looking from Mr. Anthony to Arthur; and the rest of the pub is, too.

Anthony spits out the words, "Leave. Don't come back."

Arthur sways a little, and then smirks again. "I con due whut I wont."

"Get. Out."

"Who's goin' ta make meh? Yehr mummzie?  'ell cl'rly, I d'nt  've two bl'dy f'cks 'bout yeh or yeh d'mn 'p'b'! Joeh!" Arthur whips around to see Joe's face a distance away.

There are groans of disgust.

"Joeh! P'ck yeh b'gs, yeh n't com'n here 'nym're!"

Joe is about to respond, but Arthur begins rambling again.

"Oi! Fryin' mhent bhunneh! Wh'r ya beeeeeeeennnnnnnn? I've loooookkkkkkkeddd everrrrrywherrrre for yeh! D'd yeh kn'w thot th' 'ld, d'rty bostard thot run's th' pl'ce 's a pr'ckly wanka? 'ell yus 'e is, Fryin' mhent bhunneh. Oi! T'nk'rb'll! C'n yeh t'll Sp'rkly corn thot yeh d'n't p't p'an'tb'tta 'n sc'n's!? D'mb arse p't peanut buta 'n mah sc'ne y'sta deh! 'nd yeh d'nt  ICE TEA! YOU DON'T ICE TEA. EVER."

You see Alfred slowly creeping up behind Arthur, a metal tray in his hands, ready to attack.

"Oh! 'nd (Name)! I m'nt to t'll yeh thot I-"

       Alfred swings the tray, hitting Arthur on the head with a loud crack. The United Bloody Kingdom crumples over and onto the ground. People clear away, not liking the view. Alfred sighs and tosses the tray, kneeling next to the drunk.

"Joe? Do you think you could get his clothes out of the restrooms? I guess I have to drag him to the car."

"Sure…no problem…" Joe agrees and jogs to the men's restrooms. Mr. Anthony announces,

"Nothing to see here, people! Sorry about all of this mess."

You kneel besides Alfred.

"Will he be alright?"

"Eh, he's had worse," America shakes his head.

      Joe is back in no time, handing you Arthur's bundle of clothes.

"Be careful, his underwear is-"
England's Union Jack undies fall out of the bunch and land on your foot.

"Oh that's nice," you mumble sarcastically.

"I don't want to touch him."

"Maybe this would be easier if we put his pants on him."
England mumbles, "Oh shuttup yeh ninny, my legs are-"he begins to snore mid-sentence.


[Time: 11:15 pm]

        "I'm not suggesting we have drinks together anymore." America says from the passenger's seat. You glance over at him. You look back at the dark road.

"Maybe…I dunno…"

"It happens every time…but this was the worst…definitely…I'm so going to tell everyone about this."


"Because…I can. I'm the Untied Bludy Shtates of 'merica!" he mocks England's voice. You laugh a little.

"Okay, you tell everyone about this and I'll show everyone those 'embarrassing photos' from last year's Christmas party."
Alfred's face turns into that of horror.

"You wouldn't…"

"Yes, I would, Alfie."

"Don't call me that!"

"Alright, alright. So will you keep your mouth shut?"

It takes America a moment of thinking, but he nods.

"Yeah,…How long are you gonna keep those pictures to black mail me anyway?"

"Who knows? I still have the pictures of England from the year before that…Remember when he got so drunk he chased his invisible friends into the cake?"

"Yeah! And the whole cake fell over on France-"

"-and Italy started to eat the cake off of him?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! I forgot about that! And do you remember when Canada split milk on Russia's scarf-"

"-And Russia didn't know who did it-"

"And blamed Prussia for it!"


"Never has a punch to the gut ever looked so painful, dude!"

       You both laugh, stirring England in his sleep.

"Quiet down, I'm sleeping-" more snores.

      America continues to laugh and you do as well. Clearly, the drinks America had were beginning to affect him. You're glad you didn't drink anything tonight, because you were going to get prime footage of them for more black mail.
You had your camera in your pocket this whole time and couldn't wait to use it.
*England said "Untied". I am well aware of that :iconenglandgiggleplz:

Anyhow, this is my contest entry for #Hetalia-Artist.
The idea of making a Drunk!England in a story at all was suggested by a bestie of mine (seriously, I never would've thought to do so). :iconiggybrowsplz:

I forced myself to listen to Pub and Go!! the whole time to keep me in the correct mind frame to write this mess.:iconukdanceplz:
It worked throughout the whole story. Of course, you can guess what inspired the title name (England's voice is is a drug...) :iconus-xdplz:
If you have any questions about what the hell England starts saying, feel free to ask. I might've gotten carried away...just a little...:iconiggysulkplz:
And no, Joe is not an official character or my OC or anything, ya always need characters in a story~!:iconamericapartyhardplz:
Add a Comment:
what-in-the Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2015
This is teh funniest thing I've read in a long time. Thanks for making my day... Possibly my week and/or month! :iconenglandgiggleplz:
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, thank you so much! I'm glad to hear this! :heart:
AnimeGeekKatie Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
When he stood up on the bar table, I would've said: *speaks very low fast* "England if you don't get your ass down right fucking now I will reach up that apron with a pair of scissors and make it to were you will NEVER have children. Are we clear?"
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
aiyaa! so aggressive, aru :iconchinasepicfaceplz:
AnimeGeekKatie Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
XDXDXD When it comes down to embarrassing yourself in the public I can get very agressive xD
Bunnygoblin Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2015
Canada could get away with some fun stuff.
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
you bet
modukamagica Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
This was BEUTIFUR.
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
shank yuuuu! 
tavvygurl-80p Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014  Student General Artist
Translation Iggy
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
tavvygurl-80p Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014  Student General Artist
StandardToasterOven Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014  Hobbyist Filmographer
"ENGLAND!" you shout angrily. He's standing on top of the bar counter; a black apron is all that's covering up Big Ben.

Gosh dangit England.... not again...Facepalm1 
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:iconenglandderpplz::iconsaysplz: What? I've never done that before! Or at least...not that I can remember...
StandardToasterOven Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2014  Hobbyist Filmographer
-quirks Iggybrow- Oh really?=_=+
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:iconenglandderpplz::iconsaysplz: Seriously...
tavvygurl-80p Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2014  Student General Artist
Ahh the dreaded waiters outfit
StandardToasterOven Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2014  Hobbyist Filmographer
Aye... the root of some "evils"... (//shot) 
tavvygurl-80p Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2014  Student General Artist
Indeed it is
Parissimmons Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2014
I couldn hardly tell what he was saying im like Wut?
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
That's drunk Iggy for you. :iconiggydanceplz:
Parissimmons Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2014
Very true
Torn-B-I-a-S Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2014
*spazzes on floor* This is beautiful!
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
 Never ice tea! Never. :stare:

*Spazzes with you* Thank you! 
Torn-B-I-a-S Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2014
You're welcome, spazz buddy!
AuraPhoenixx Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
That was hilarious! A true work of art! 

I thought making each and every word of England's almost unreadable wasn't a good move, especially if you made the breaks in the exact same spot for each word. I suggest you do like some words slurred and uncomprehendable, and some okay. 
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! :heart: 

Ah, I thought that's what made it fun! And still, it makes you think. :iconkermityayplz:
hetaliabangtheoryfan Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013
"Propably getting the farmers daughter pregnant again."
me: PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cookies and cream ice cream all over my computer screen* i remember that in Hetalia bloopers XD
France: *groans* someone's got the farmers daughter pregnant again.
Italy: *running from Switzy* I'M SORRY I'M SORRY~!
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
hetaliabangtheoryfan Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Cherish it! 
hetaliabangtheoryfan Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2013
I Shall :D
TheFemaleBTT Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2013
XD God- I couldn't stop laughing the whole time, this was gold, pure gold! XD England's drunk speech was oddly easy to read, but I could just imagine standing there with a "WTF" face as he rants on XD Ah, man, I wanna go drinking with England sometime-
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oi! That would be a whole lot of fun! :XD:
Thank you so much :iconyayenglandplz:

:iconenglandcryplz::iconsaysplz: I don't get drunk!
selahthecool Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
laughed my ares off! so funny! made my day!
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad! :D
Sheruchan92 Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Student Writer
:iconukplz: :iconsaysplz: "WOT!!!!!? I'M NAWHT DRUNK IWASJURST -hic- DRINKING!!!!

sorry, i couldn't resist doing that...=_=
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You made my day. :heart:
Italy-Germany-Japan Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Frenzydaydreamer11 Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Student Traditional Artist

^ this made me crack but America imitating him was just like ...... So like him and i cracked more!! Hahahahaha

Totally awesome crackfic hahaha
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I think that is actually my favorite line from the story XD
I'm so happy you laughed! Thank you~!
Frenzydaydreamer11 Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Same!!! I was like iggy we know ur United bloody kingdom haha i mean i like him when hes drunk. Hes quite epic
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I agree, which is why I loved writing this!
Nothing is better than a drunk Iggy :dummy:
Frenzydaydreamer11 Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
High five!
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
*epic high five* Drunk Iggy, FTW!
Frenzydaydreamer11 Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
where is iggy to join this circle??
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Probably somewhere drunk :XD:
:iconukplz::iconsaysplz: I ain't drunk! I'm jus...jus a little dizzy, that's all...
(1 Reply)
Doitsu-The-Epic Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Oh my god, Tinkerbell and the unicorn. XDDDDDD
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
YES, Tinkerbell and the unicorn XD
Thanks for reading! :iconyayenglandplz:
Doitsu-The-Epic Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
You are most welcome! Thanks for writing it! :iconsexyprussiaplz:
Add a Comment:

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October 19, 2012
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